♫ 舊簡訊

那天
我從房間的垃圾堆裡
找到
曾與你頻繁通訊的手機
原來
你發的簡訊我沒有刪


2010年我問你什麼時候再愛上我
我忘了原來我還渴望你的愛
2010年你有了新戀情
我忘了原來我還有一點點在意

我細細的閱讀我們的對話
我找回一點點的我自己
我丟了這個雍兒
我去了哪裡
我去過哪裡
我在哪裡

記得你回來的那一次
你睡在我身旁
靜靜的睡着了
但你卻告訴我
你感受不到我

我害怕

我害怕你找不到我

我害怕我找不到我

我還是找不回我

♫ City Without Shadow

Take a step out to the city
I look at my beautiful shoes
I look beyond them
There is me
Standing on my feet

Sometimes I follow myself
Sometimes she follows me

She is my alter ego

Take one step out under the sun
I look behind me
Where am i?
Where are you?

I am lost
You are gone
I walk baby foot steps
Hoping
Waiting
Searching
Wandering

At times i wonder
I didn't bother to search
I walk without shadow

I was contented

At times i wonder
Why do i feel a hole in my heart
Something out there is waiting for me

I was confident

At times i wonder
I feel frustrated with nothing
Sense of belonging

I was confused

I live in a city where there are no shadows
I'm light weighted
I try so hard to stay on earth
As a person

The emptiness in my heart is filled with helium
Lifting me high up till i fear falling on my ass





Oh.... there you are! Where am i?

♫ Big Girls Don't Cry

Hang in there Winner,
Hang in there Winner.
One day you look back and you laugh at it.

Hang in there Winner,
You are strong. No! don't tell me you are not!
When things come falling and crashing on you. What do you do?
You avoid.

When there is a problem, an obstacle. Do you avoid?
No... You face it!

I'm confused.
Winner, hang in there. Big girls don't cry.
A winner doesn't cry.

♫ Smile for me will you

smile for me will you?

when i feel like crying, i look up to the sky

allowing the sting of sunlight pierce through my eyes

thinking that it will light up my heart 

where is so dark 

where i keep you in captivity

smile for me will you?

when i know is torturing, i look down and breathe

allowing the flow of air gushing down my chest

thinking that it is worth to stay

where is so psychedelic

where i keep you care in distress

it sets my nerves on ice 

knowing you struggle to love

smile for me will you?

if the smile only appears when

i reach my filthy hand into the darkness 

forcing you out from the beating rhythm which keeps me conscious 

my eyes immerse in burning stream

knowing you put yourself in extreme duress

smile for me will you?

if the smile only appears when

i hug you tight with my selfish arms

giving you no way out to the deserted dying world without my endless love

smile for me will you?

if i smile at you

with eyes and warmth filled with affection

Winner

written 1430 17072012

♫ Imagine

Imagine the heart dropping, free falling with high speed. Imagine the kiss so deep, destroying my reluctance. Imagine that's my heart, imagine that's your kiss. Imagine how deeply I fell in love with you. The one so beautiful who catches my breath each time I lay eyes on.

Written 180712 2316

WinnEr Chan

♫ Have you forgotten to love

it is hard for me.... to feel this.
it is harsh for me... to feel this.
it is hurtful for me... to feel this.

why is it so hard for you to show affection?
why is it so difficult for you to feel how i feel?
why is it so...

i was expecting you to be as loving. #disappointment

♫ 亲爱的 其实你不需要我

你的生活方式
你习惯了孤独
你不需要唠叨
你不需要关心
你不需要陪伴
你不需要我

你一个人过得很好

在你的生活里
我的存在价值
零

收回一点点对你的爱
收回一点点对你关怀
收回一点点给你的所有
保留一点点的你


或许你还没准备好
或许你还需要时间
或许你偶尔想念她
或许对你来说 她才是完美的
或许是我犯贱

如果你不需要我，请告诉我
我可以离开

如果她回你身边，请告诉我
我可以离开

爱不能强求
不是我给得太多
是你不需要任何
not from me at least.

Of all things, I just want to feel worthy.

你的呼吸 还有你的声音
你的呼吸 穿过身体 我来不及反应
你的声音 躲在耳里 让我生病
谢谢 你给的 让我沉迷 让我丢掉了姓名
在好奇的时候 拉不住眼睛
我想我不会爱你 这样下去
渺小的自尊 都快要抛弃
我想我不会爱你 只是也许
你的叹息 散落一地 让我歇斯底里
靠得太近 一不小心 弄伤自己
谢谢 你给的 让我沉迷 让我困住了自己
在迷路的时候 舍不得离去
我想我不会爱你 这样下去
渺小的自尊 都快要抛弃
我想我不会恨你 伤的痕迹
住在我心底 变成了秘密
我想我不会爱你 害怕失去
所以逞强的 远远看着你
我想我不会恨你 只是也许
我想我不会爱你 这样下去
渺小的自尊 都快要抛弃
我想我不会恨你 伤的痕迹
住在我心底 变成了秘密
我想我不会爱你 害怕失去
所以逞强的 远远看着你
我想我不会恨你 只是也许

Baby.... You Don't Need Your Body.

Baby Scorpie. 

You don't need your body anymore. 

Just follow the angels to the light.

We are placing it in a very safe and beautiful place. 

You will have friends around you.

Some kitties to chase around with.

You are a pretty girl.

RIP 

Scorpie

15th November 2003 - 20th March 2012

8 Years 4 Months 5 Days

Scorpie baby..
I remember you that small in my embrace when i brought you home.
you refused to sleep alone.
i put you in this huge box so you could sleep.
you cried, you scratched the box
i carried you out. placed you by my side.
covered you with my blanket.
you closed your eyes.


you are afraid of thunder, firecrackers, fireworks.
you shiver when you hear them.
but daddy never allowed you in the house.
instead, we closed the door so you couldn't come in.
I AM SORRY.


you like outdoor, run around, growling at cats.
we put a choke chain on you so you couldn't chase after cats.
we live in a condominuim, small place and get to walk about only when we bring you down to do business.
I AM SORRY.


we once put you at a friend's place.
we were too busy, no one could take care of you.
Miss Rottweiler bit you on your head, nearly blinded.
I AM SORRY.
(that was the first time i cried for you)


sometimes i am too tired, i came home and i ignored your greetings.
you still wiggled you fluffy tail and tried to lick me.
i pushed you away.
I AM SORRY.


sometimes i cry when i am sad,
and i sat beside you, you looked at me as if you understood my feelings
maybe you did.
THANK YOU.


I remember that Saturday morning, you started vomiting whatever you ate.
Just if i brought you to the vet earlier.
Just if the doctor did a scan on you earlier.
Just if everything was diagnosed earlier.
Just if you did not leave me.

You went for your first surgery, doctor asked us to be prepared.
(this was the second time i cried for you)

I felt reluctant to go see you.
i was selfish, i was afraid that once you see me you will leave peacefully and never gonna come back again.
I AM SORRY.
I know you were waiting for me.
I AM SORRY.

i finally went see you the next morning.
You looked so tired. You tried to stand and wiggle your tail.
i can see how hard you tried.
is ok baby, i know you are sick.

you refused to look at me when you failed to stand.

doctor had to feed you, cause you refuse to eat.

i can see how tired you are from your eyes

after forcing down food. you gained abit energy.

 

Maybe it is time for me to greet you and care for you unconditionally. Like how you always do. 

One Week After..... 

Doctor said your stomach is twisted and knotted. 

So you underwent a second surgery. 

which made you weaker. 

This is the last picture i took of you.

I know you can't take the pain no more. 

sorry for putting you through all these.

This is also the last time i see you breathing. 

Warm breathe and body.

I went to work.... 

I was really quiet...

I didnt feel good...

Evening... received a call.

Angels came yeah baby?  

Are they beautiful? 

You be good ok? Be happy. Wiggle your tail..

Run all you can in heaven. 

Leave your sick body. 

No more pain

No more suffer

Rest In Peace 

Scorpie 

15th Nov 2003 - 20 March 2012 

♫ Almost a month with the Red Darlings

I Came
I See
I Conquer

Remember the first time i step foot into RedRibbon Days' office,
really? I don't remember. ><
I forgot who open the door for me, i sat on the couch waiting...
Went into this very warm conference room, sat there quietly with all my documents.

Bomb
Guns
Grenade
M16
Pang! Piang! Pong!

End of interview___________________________

Next thing i heard is when can i start working?
Where i still  have to give my ex employer a 30 days notice for resigning.

Drama
Drama
Drama
Drama

Here I am.. and is 20 days already.
Things I love about RedRibbon Days

• It is Red
• We have lunch together
• We talk about end of the world
• Majority of us are potential pervert
• We stay in late in the office 
• The Red Balloons make me excited
• We have angry bird and totoro in the house

ME LOVE RRD

♫ Few days in Redribbon Days

Here I come....
i'm gonna stay for awhile(long while : D), simply because i like the idea of RRD.
The vibes i felt...... is COOL...
Gonna make this a happy place for me, for all...



ps: it is really RED here....